Counting Up

Day 1

is done.

Day 2 will be easier,

right?

Day 2: puffy eyes, sinus headache, salt water hangover.

No tears shed today. I used them all up yesterday.

It's going to be an absolutely perfect summer day.

Back yard, slice of heaven, books.

No music though. I don't think my eyes are strong enough yet.

Time. Time. Time.

It's going to be a challenge.

My eyes have filled to the brim 100 times.

But not one has fallen on my cheek.

A good day, yes?

Just lost the battle. Made it until 2:14.

Tomorrow WILL be better.

How is it so easy for you?

I will not hate.

I just laughed.

Alternating between sadness and anger. F#ck You.

I dread the nights.

Doing better than I thought I would be doing.

I'm proud of myself.

Must be the Vics.

I WILL be able to sleep tonight.

Thank you God.

And Day 3 will be even better.

It WILL.

I will make it so.

Day 3

I checked last this morning-not first.

An improvement.

But still nothing.

It hits me in waves.

Sometimes one after another after another.

Sometimes I forget for minutes at a time.

I like the forgetting best.

I didn't even make it to noon today.

Lies, lies, and more lies.

Lies that contradict lies.

If I open up a crack, the dam shall surely give way.

I will keep the door closed.

I can't go through THIS again.

Notes didn't hurt-

too filled with lies to pull a single heartstring.

I thought it would be hard.

I thought I would cry.

I'm just disgusted.

I see right through you

and you see right through me.

Day 4

I love my job.

"Everything changed in a day."

Girls'nightouuuuuut!

La-ter!

Day 5

Last year, I read "The Shack." One part that always stuck with me

was when the main character questioned God about presenting as

a female. God told Mack about God being more than male OR female,

and She thought he needed a mother figure at this point in his crisis.

So Mack asked God why, throughout history, God chose to present

himself as Male. God answered that he knew the importance of males

in relationships, and knew how absent they would be. I always found this

to be so profound. The absence of males-fathers, husbands, boyfriends,

destroys healthy relationships.

Now, today, my wonderings have moved on. Why would God choose

to present as a male at all ever? Every man I know SUCKS. Help me out

with this one today, Lord.

Day whatever:

I think I've lost my appetite.

I'm really starting to wonder,

"What was I even thinking?"

Thank you, God.